I have a five slot CD player in my car. I’ve discovered that it was easier to quick change a CD when I only had a single slot player, so I find that I don’t change the CDs very often, sometimes not for months at a time. There is one CD that I hadn’t changed since I first inserted it seven year ago. Seven years! I kept telling myself it was because I like the music so much, and I do, but I know there is a much deeper reason.
The CD comes from my late ex-husband’s collection. My son suggested I would like it and gave it to me soon after my husband died in 2006. I did like it. In fact, I loved it! I came to realize that almost every song spoke to some important aspect of my life that I was experiencing back then. It was a very bitter-sweet time. I had just lost my job. The following month I lost my ex-husband in a motorcycle accident. Besides feeling guilty for having left him, I was also feeling guilty for having met a new romantic partner and allowing that joy into my life.
Some of the songs spoke of hope, but mostly they mirrored my pain. I played it every time I drove. Over and over and over again. It became my daily “fix.” Gradually, of course, I listened to it less and less. I still loved the CD, but didn’t need to hear it all the time. It wasn’t until a few days ago that it struck me how significant it was that I had not removed that CD from slot number one in seven years. Each time I thought about removing it, I was shocked to find myself reduced to tears. I actually felt as though, if I removed the CD, I would be losing a part of myself. Clearly, something still needed to be healed.
What was I holding on to? When I asked Holy Spirit to look at this with me, I was shown that I was holding on to “my story.” I could have aptly called it, Lady Sings the Blues. And, I was loathe to let it go. I can see now that listening to that CD kept my story alive – kept it “real.” I mistakenly thought that it kept me connected to the love I still hold for my ex-husband, but all it really did is keep me connected to my pain. Why was I so afraid to let it go?
A Course in Miracles, promises me a life of eternal happiness and peace if I am willing to “trust.” I guess the issue isn’t so much a lack of trust, but rather, a question of what do I trust more. Will I listen to the ego telling me that I am a separate body named Paula with a personal (sometimes painful) story to tell that makes me “special”, or will I trust in God’s promise of everlasting joy, if I am willing to release this illusion of individuality?
I’m not sure.
I guess I still don’t trust my true identity, as One with God, enough to be able to let go of my false one. However, I do trust that, eventually, I will. Today, I proved it.
I finally pushed the “EJECT” button.
Let your spirit soar!
Paula
Spirit Rising Ministries 